


Dang Parker, nice bod!

by TwirlsWrites



Category: Ultimate Spider-Man (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/F, F/M, Genderbending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-16
Updated: 2013-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-26 19:51:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/969641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwirlsWrites/pseuds/TwirlsWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter wakes up in the wrong body, in the wrong universe where nobody seems to be the right gender... or is it sex? He always gets that confused, Luke might have to give him another lecture.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dang Parker, nice bod!

            “Hey, hey, are you okay?” Peter opened his eyes blearily - each blink switching between darkness and the blurry faces of his teammates… really blurry, actually, they all looked off.

            “What happened,” he groaned. His voice sounded weird. He closed his eyes again.

            “None of that, now,” Coulson said, walking over and sending the team scattering to chairs near his bed. “How are you feeling?”

            “Weird,” Peter answered. He sat up. “What happ…” He glanced around now that his head was spinning less. Apparently it wasn’t just the head trauma and blurriness - his team did look off. They were all… well, unless he was mistaken they were all different Genders than they had been last time he had been conscious.

            “Piper, stay with us - what do you remember?” Danny… Danielle? Iron Fist. Iron Fist asked, voice tinged with concern.

            “I… I… “ Peter could only stare.

            Wait.

            Did she say _Piper_? Peter whipped around, searching the surrounding area for something reflective. Coulson reeled back as Peter pulled the tablet from his hands and stared at his reflection in the blank screen.

            Or, well, _her_ reflection.

            There was a female face staring back at him.

 

            “Parker?” Coulson said as Peter woke up again. “Are you going to stay awake this time?”

            “What happened?” he asked.

            “You stole my tablet, screamed, and passed out,” Coulson said succinctly. Even in a different body, it was obviously Coulson. A no-nonsense, serious look and a well-tailored suit.

            “Oh I was hoping that was a nightmare,” Peter said. His hands went to his hair, then to his body. “I’m a girl. Oh my God, why am I a girl?”

            “Excuse me?” Coulson clarified. Peter turned to stare at her with wide eyes.

            “The last time I was _not_ in SHIELD medical, I was a _boy_ named _Peter Parker_ with a _male_ body. What happened?” Coulson pursed her lips.

            “I was afraid of this,” She said with a sigh. Peter realized that the rest of the team was there and they were all staring at him in shock.

            “Afraid of what?” White Tiger said, tone tense. The uniform was pretty much the same as Ava’s. The male White Tiger was tall and lean, muscle definition clear through the tight uniform.

            “A dimensional incident is common after a fight in the negative zone,” Coulson said. “It seems that our Spider-Woman has been switched with…”

            “Spider-Man,” Peter said. “Can you send me home? This is seriously trippy.”

            “Wait, so we’re all dudes there?” Nova asked. She sounded delighted and moved closer to the bed. “What do I look like? Is dude me hot?” The uniform was the same, and her coloring was the same as Sam’s but… well, naturally her build was different. She was small, maybe a few inches shorter than Sam, with narrow shoulders and hips. Her hair was longer too, probably to be expected. On one side it fell in jagged chunks over her eyes, while the right side of her head was shaved close.

            “Sarah, she said that _she_ was a guy - not that all of us were guys,” Power Man… Power Woman? Power Woman said in a bored tone. She was really pretty. She was almost as tall as White Tiger, and her hair wasn’t any longer than Luke’s. Her uniform was different too - it was mostly black, with yellow accents and sleeves. She was built- it didn’t look like her muscles were any different.

            “Either way she is clearly freaking him out,” Iron Fist said. “Sarah, give him some space.”

            “Thanks Danny,” Peter managed as Nova scowled and took a few steps back. “I mean… are you… Danny?”

            “Yes, I am Diana Rand.” She replied with a warm smile. Diana was about the same height as Danny, with longer hair and more delicate features. She was lean, with muscle definition less than Power Woman but still clearly visible through her uniform.

            “Laura Cage,” Power Woman offered up with a short wave.

            “Sarah Alexander,” Nova said, giving Peter a wink.

            “I’m Adiel Ayala,” White Tiger said.

            Peter didn’t mean to let out the muffled screech from the back of his throat, but his brain didn’t seem to be working well enough for words.

            “So we _are_ all dudes where you’re from,” Sarah said - giving Laura a superior look.

            “White Tiger’s not,” Peter managed. Adiel frowned.

            “That’s disturbing to think about,” he admitted.

            “Is she hotter than me?” Sarah asked. Adiel whapped her on the arm.

            “As if that’s even a question,” he said with a raised eyebrow.

            “This is so weird, you guys all act the same,” Peter squeaked.

            “Don’t worry friend, we’ll get you home as soon as possible,” Diana assured him.

            “Will we?” Peter clarified, turning to Coulson. She nodded.

            “We’ll get Reed Richards on the line right away and start to get things sorted out. Team, you go wait for us in the conference room and I’ll talk to Mr. Parker and try to get a better idea of where he comes from.” The others nodded and filed out - some sparing an extra look back. Coulson leveled Peter with a look. “Now Mr. Parker, I hope we don’t need to have a further discussion on this - but I will tell you only once to respect the body that you are in.”

            “What?” Peter asked. Coulson’s voice was dead serious and it took a few seconds for him to catch up. “No! I won’t - ahh, ew Coulson I’m not going to grope myself!”

            “So long as we understand one another,” Coulson said.

            “Yup. Got it. So good, crystal clear _can we stop talking about this now_?” Peter squeaked.

            “Very well. So Spider-Man, what can you tell me about your world that can help us send you home?”

 

            Half an hour later the team, including Peter, were sitting in the conference room. There was silence, and it was an awkward silence. Sarah cleared her throat.

            “So. Seriously, am I hotter or is chick White Tiger hotter?” she asked. Peter rolled his eyes.

            “Sarah! For God’s sake, leave him alone,” Laura said, elbowing him. “Besides, he’s probably not into girls anyway.”

            “What?” Peter found himself asking. The team turned to look at him as one, each wearing a look of awkward ‘didn’t-mean-to-say-that’.

            “I just meant that, ah…” Laura trailed off.

            “She’s saying that since Piper’s into girls, you’re probably into dudes, yeah?” Sarah said. “Then again, maybe it just means that you’re into chicks no matter what? How does that work?”

            “I don’t… I didn’t realize…” Peter was flustered, and tried to arrange his words. “I didn’t realize that it was common knowledge.”

            “Well not common knowledge, but it was a pretty big hint when you and - “

            “Sarah, stop!” Adiel snapped. “You’re violating Piper’s confidence all over the place!”

            “But he’s her!” Sarah exclaimed.

            “Do you want Piper to be spilling all about your love life to the guy you in Spider-Man’s world?”

            “Well…” Sarah muttered. “Not really. But I would like to know about guy me’s love life! So like I can really complain.”

            “Sam doesn’t have a love life,” Peter muttered. Adiel laughed and Sarah pouted. “But I do not want to know about Piper’s love life - especially if you think she’d be uncomfortable with it.”

            “Good man, Peter Parker,” Laura said. Diana had a contemplative look on her face, and opened her mouth to contribute but everyone was cut off as a bright shape came flying from left field and ran into Peter - turning from flame to flesh seconds before Johnny tackled him to the ground.

            “Spidey! Is it true that you’re a dude?”

            “Hi Johnny,” Peter grumbled, pushing him off. “Glad to know you’re a universal constant.” Johnny laughed and hopped up, extending an arm to help him up.

            “So am I a girl in your world? I bet I’m hot.”

            “You’re a guy in my world,” Peter said drily. “Don’t get too excited.”

            “Well what do you look like - are you hot?”

            “I don’t burst into flame on command, I’m a pretty normal body temperature,” Peter said. Johnny laughed again and draped an arm over Peter’s shoulders.

            “Man, you don’t change at all,” he said. “Have we dated in your world?”

            “Not if you were the second to last guy on Earth Johnny,” Peter said with a smile and a roll of his eyes.

            “Who would be last?”

            “Sam.”

            “Hey!” Sarah exclaimed. “I don’t know why I’m offended, but I am!” The door wooshed open again and the rest of the Fantastic Four entered the room. Sue reached forward and grabbed Johnny, dragging him back.

            “Sorry Spidey,” she said with a rueful grin. Peter waved her apology off.

            “It’s fine, I’m used to him in my world too.” He jumped as he realized Reed had extended an arm with some sort of device and was measuring the air behind him. “I’m used to that too, but it doesn’t get any easier.” Sue smacked Reed lightly in the stomach and his arm pulled back in.

            “My apologies Spider-Woman. This is fascinating, however. I love a good inter-dimensional event!” Peter shot a desperate look to Coulson, who sighed but shook her head.

            “Uh, could we call in Tony too - I bet it would help this go more quickly,” Peter tried.

            “I thought about that,” Reed said, distracted by his tablet. “But Iron Woman and Captain America are still on their honeymoon and Toni is not very keen on being interrupted.”

            “I see,” Peter said weakly. “So Iron Woman, huh?”

            “Hmm, so is it Iron Man in your world?” Reed asked, not looking up from the tablet.

            “Mhmm,” Peter said, strained.

            “So your team has different sexes, the FF remain the same, but it is Iron Man…” Reed was mostly talking to himself at this point, and he turned and wandered off.

            “Iron Woman is a dude?” Johnny said. “Is Cap a girl?”

            “No, Cap’s a guy. I don’t know how well his origin story would work otherwise,” Peter said, resting his head on the table. “Then again, how much logic is really behind super heroes in the first place?”

            “Black Widow?” Sarah asked.            

            “Woman,” Peter replied.

            “Hulk?” Laura asked.

            “Man.”

            “Falcon?” Adiel asked.

            “Man.”

            “Thor?” Johnny threw out.

            “Thor is a guy.”

“Hawkeye?”

“Barton or Bishop?”

“Barton,”

            “Hawkeye is also a guy, I don’t think there’s _that_ much… what?”

            “Hawkeye is a dude?” Johnny clarified. “Wow, that’s awesome.”

            “As hard of a time I have picturing you as a guy, I have a harder time picturing her as a guy,” Laura said.

            “Is he hot?” Sarah asked. Adiel rolled his eyes.

            “What is your obsession with the attraction levels of people that are irrelevant to your life?” he demanded. Sarah rolled her eyes.

            “Oh come on - I’m curious. Like you don’t want to see a picture of your female self? So Parker - dude Hawkeye, yes?”

            “He’s…” Peter thought on it a moment. “He has really nice arms, and a nice body overall I guess but he’s kind of a dick. Cap, Tony, and Falcon would rank higher than him.”

            “Cap would rank at the top of anybody’s list, let’s be real,” Laura said. Most of the room nodded in agreement, and Coulson looked particularly flustered.

            “I am going to check on the Richardses,” she said before ducking out of the room.

            “Okay, help me out then - Harry and MJ?” Peter asked.

            “Both dudes,” Sarah said. “MJ is way more attractive.”

            “MJ is a guy?” Peter clarified. “That is so weird.”

            “Oh - here,” Adiel slid his phone across the table, pulled up to a picture of who Peter could only guess was MJ.

            “So weird,” Peter repeated. He paused, “And Harry is perfectly attractive.”

            “His hair is weird!” Sarah exclaimed.

            “Are you and Harry dating in your world?” Laura asked curiously. Peter flushed.

            “No of course not - Harry is my best friend that would be weird. I don’t see him that way. And anyway, I’m not ‘out’ in any way shape or form to anyone but my Aunt May, so… that would put a damper on the dating thing.”

            “Ah geeze, I hope Piper doesn’t out you,” Adiel said with a grimace. He was quick to add, “not on purpose or anything - but just assuming that we’d know.”

            “I honestly don’t see how it would come up,” Peter said. The rest of the heroes present shared a look and then all looked away. “What?”

            “Nothing,” Laura said.

            “So no one knows your gay?” Johnny asked. He was lounging in one of the chairs with his feet up on the table.

            “Just Aunt May and Harry,” Peter said. “Uncle Ben knew too but… ”

            “Right,” Johnny said, tone uncharacteristically serious.

            “Anyway, like I said it’s never come up.”

            “Spidey, sorry, could you come see Reed in the lab for some samples?” Sue asked, leaning into the room.

            “Oh goody, samples,” Peter said with a sigh.

 

            “Hey Webs, Coulson called your aunt with some excuse so you can hang out here for a few days - you can stay in my old room.” Laura was the one waiting for Peter when he finally got out of the tests. 

            “Oh cool, thanks,” Peter said with a smile.

            “Any luck with pinning down the dimension you’re from?” she asked as they walked. Peter shrugged.

            “It’s hard to tell with Reed - but from the calculations it looked like it’s making good progress on identifying the singularity that sent me here. Why were you guys battling a dude in the negative zone anyhow?” Peter asked.

            “Well, it was some sort of teleporting guy. Nova hit his remote as he was using it so it shorted all of us out to the Negative Zone.”

            “Oh. That must be the transition area. When people teleport they don’t instantly move from one place to another - at least generally, their atoms reassemble in a different location and then move. It just happens instantly so it’s hard to tell.” Laura was grinning down at him. “What?”

            “Nerd,” she said, bumping him lightly with her hips.

            “So did finding your parents go the same way?” Peter asked.

            “I don’t know how it went in your world, Peter,” She pointed out. “But if it was basically you and me versus Fury and the world to take down Zodiac and rescue the folks… then yeah,” she grinned.

            “Awesome,” Peter said.

            “Here we go - I think Sarah said she was going to grab you something to wear while, “

            “Surprise!” Sarah exclaimed, jumping up in front of them as they walked into the door. Peter let out a yell and jumped - straight into Laura’s arms. Laura and Sarah laughed, in the background Peter could see Adiel rolling his eyes.

            “What… what?” he asked as Laura plopped him back on the floor.

            “We figured that as a dude, you’ve never experienced a true sleepover,” she replied.

            “We got sappy movies, popcorn, ice cream, and Adiel is awesome at braids,” Sarah exclaimed.

            “I told you - your hair is too short and also half gone,” Adiel said with a sigh. “I can’t braid your hair anymore.”

            “It’s weird but for a bit I actually forgot that I have way more hair than normal,” Peter said, a hand going up to the back of his head.

            “You keep it up to fit under the mask,” Laura replied. She reached over and neatly tugged out the pony tail holder and Peter had the unique experience of feeling long hair tumble over his shoulders for the first time in his life.

            “Ava has the pony tail out the back of her mask,” he said for lack of anything to add.

            “Alright. Laura, you choose the movie; Sarah, you find a brush,” Adiel said with a nod.

            “Where’s Diana?” Peter asked, noticing the absence. There was an awkward beat.

            “She totally wanted to come, but she was really tired,” Sarah said. Peter could tell she was lying because she had the same nervous tick as Sam did - her voice got about 20 decibels louder.

            “ _Serendipity_ is a good romantic comedy, but _50 First Dates_ is a classic,” Laura said loudly. Peter decided to let it go, it would be weird for him too, he could understand. Other than the fact that Danny - his Danny - was the calmest person he knew, and far more likely to roll with the punches than others (like Sam, for example).

            Whatever.

            “I’ve never seen either of those,” he said, walking over.

            “Both it is!” Sarah said, she pushed some clothes into Peter’s arms. “Change out of the uniform Parker, and let’s do this.”

            Peter changed into the classic black button-up pajamas with his eyes closed, but only missed two buttons so he counted it as a win.

            Plus they had a point - getting his hair braided was the most relaxing thing he had experienced in awhile. Maybe he would ask for some tips so he could braid Ava’s hair next time she got overstressed.

 

            The next morning Peter woke up first and managed to extricate himself from the pile of people and pillows their slumber party had dissolved into without waking up any of the others. He managed to hunt down some sweats and a SHIELD issue t-shirt and snuck off into the hallway and down to the exercise room next to the COURT.

            He wasn’t even that surprised to see Diana there - attacking one of the bags with her hands wrapped all the way up her forearms. Diana turned as Peter walked in and gave him a smile.

            “You’re up early,” she said, turning back to the bag. Her hair was pulled back, she was wearing a pair of sweatpants like Peter’s and a dark green sports bra.

            Just because he was gay didn’t mean that bras didn’t fluster him.

            “Well, I had a long day yesterday,” Peter said with a shrug. “And it turns out that Rocky Road is some kinda sleep magnet, dang.”

            “Yeah, Sarah had mentioned she was going to give you a remedial course in female sleepovers,” Diana said with a small grin. “I wasn’t feeling well, sorry I missed it.”

            “Yeah, she said that you were tired - but either way I’m sorry if the whole ‘me in your friend’s body’ thing freaks you out. I can understand that,” Peter managed awkwardly before falling into some stretches in this weird new body.

            “No… I mean…” Diana stilled the punching bag and paused for a few seconds. “It’s not… anything to do with you, really. It’s just… strange to see Piper but have it not be Piper.”

            “Well hopefully I won’t be here too long so, I can avoid you ‘til then if you’d like? There’s a gym a few rooms over.”

            “No, no of course not - that’s not fair to you,” Diana said. “It’s fine it’s just…” Diana flushed and Peter blinked, trying to think if he had ever seen Danny blush. “Piper and I… uh, we’re dating. So it is surreal to see my girlfriend, but not actually my girlfriend.”

            “Oh!” Peter exclaimed, feeling himself turn red. “That’s… huh. Wow, gosh, that… sorry about that.”

            “Not your fault, my friend,” Diana said with a smile. “I imagine… Dianael? Rand is having a similar experience.”

            “What? No, we’re not…” Peter could feel the words melting out of his head. “date, that is, we don’t.”

            “Interesting,” Diana said, tilting her head slightly to the side.

            “Uh…” Peter averted his eyes. “how did you and Piper get together?”

            “I’ll tell you what,” Diana said, walking closer until Peter looked up. “I’ll tell you if you spar with me.”

            “Well that’s not fair,” Peter said with a roll of his eyes and a small grin. “I’m not exactly use to fighting like this.”

            “I figure guys are better with fighting than emotion,” Diana said with a wink. Peter laughed.

            “Mhm, that sounds pretty mean. I’m wounded - hurt, deep in my soul.”

            “I’m a cruel, cruel creature,” Diana agreed. Both fell into fighting poses with grins.

            The different body did throw things off for Peter, but not as much as he would have expected. Piper was lighter than he was, but that was the biggest difference - so apart from having to account for that in his jumps and flips to not go higher than he needed to, he was alright. Piper had the same reflexes, spider-sense, and spider-strength as he did.

            By the end of the fight, he was feeling a lot more comfortable in this skin that wasn’t his. Diana and Peter took a bench, each guzzling down half a water bottle before Diana turned to him.

            “What would you like to know?”

            “How did you go from being friends to… dating?” Peter asked.

            “I had to return home to K’un L’un to take the final test to prove my worthiness. For some reason, Piper followed me,” Diana started.

            “Well if it was anything like how it happened in my world, you said something ominous about keeping your worldly possessions and leaving forever. Like any universe of me is going to let THAT stand,” Peter pointed out. Diana bit back a smile.

            “For whatever reason,” she repeated, “Piper followed me. I had been poisoned back in New York by my once-brother Scorpion, and was unable to complete the return of Shao Lao. I chose Piper as my champion, and she completed the challenge with honor and courage - granting me victory.” Peter nodded as Diana spoke, this all seemed familiar. “However, at the end Piper was still…”

            “an infidel?” Peter guessed. Diana laughed and nodded.

            “Yes, she had to leave that same night. As I was seeing her off, I realized I would never see her again and I…” Diana flushed. “I put aside my fears and I kissed her.”

            “You - woah, that’s bold, I mean… wait, you put aside your fears? Like, what, you had thought about it before?”

            “Yes. I… months previously, we were forced to join Doctor Strange in the realm of dreams to combat Nightmare,” Peter nodded. “Yes. I fell victim to Nightmare’s tricks, it was… embarrassing. However, Piper never held it against me and she said that I was the most deserving girl she knew.”

            “I meant it, too,” Peter said quietly. Diana smiled.

            “I wanted to kiss her after that,” she said. “But I didn’t. After we kissed in K’un L’un, I returned to the monks. They told me that the council as a whole was still debating the merits of a female being King of K’un L’un, and they would need more time to deliberate.”

            “Wow. They’re… geeze,” Peter said with a frown. Diana gave a short chuckle.

            “Yes. Before my arrival, women were not allowed to learn combat. They make exceptions for those prophesized to receive the Iron Fist, but I am told I refused to train until martial arts were opened to everyone.”

            “You were told?” Peter clarified. Danny shrugged.

            “I was very young when I first came to K’un L’un,” she said. “But I feel that is a story that your own Danny should tell. In any case, they told me to return after my eighteenth birthday.”

            “They gave Danny a year,” Peter said. “My Danny, I mean… I mean the Danny from my world. They said there seemed to much he could gain from the outside world, or something like that.”

            “And I am assuming he did not kiss you,” Diana said with a raised eyebrow. Peter blushed.

            “No. He just gave me an iron hug,” he replied. Diana laughed.

            “Wimp,” she said, eyes sparkling. “In any case, I returned to the Tricarrier in time for training and it was Piper’s turn to surprise me. She marched right up to me and kissed me herself.” Peter let out a low whistle.

            “In front of everyone?” he clarified. Diana nodded.

            “She told me that next time I make a dramatic exit light that I damn well better stay gone or my welcome would involve more fist and less kiss. Then she kissed me again.” She shrugged, “we’ve been dating since then.”

            “She knows that… that you have to leave, right?” Peter asked. Diana nodded.

            “Yes. We plan to, ah ‘cross that bridge when we come to it’.” Diana said. Her grip on her water bottle tightened and Peter decided to cut her a break.

            “Want to check on the lab, see if they’ve got anything more?”

            “Hmm, I think first I need a shower, a change of clothes, and breakfast.” Peter glanced down because he actually forgot he was covered in sweat for a bit. “Adiel will probably re-braid your hair if you ask her at breakfast. It’s easier to braid wet hair anyhow.”

            “Right. Okay,” Peter said. That was a really nice way for her to say that he needed a shower.

            Showering with his eyes closed was a lot less effective and he’s pretty sure his spider reflexes saved him from a concussion at least twice. He struggled his way into a sports bra, underwear, and a pair of jeans and another SHIELD t-shirt by a process he didn’t care to remember or talk about, and stumbled out into the hallway in the socks and shoes that were in his bag. Diana was waiting for him.

            “So the official word is that no Spidey’s can turn down a sparring match, huh?” Laura asked when they entered the cafeteria. She shifted her chair over to make room for Diana to move a chair next to her.

            “Hold still,” Adiel said. He moved behind Peter and started braiding again. “Ruining all my hard work…”

            “Have you guys - hey! - seen Coulson around?” Peter asked. Wincing as Adiel pulled the hair tight.

            “Not until just now,” Sarah said, nodding to where Coulson had just entered the room. She walked straight over.

            “Parker, we’re ready for you in the lab. Reed has an idea.”

            “Awesome,” Peter said. As he stood the rest of the team stood too, Adiel still working on his hair.

            “It’s all of us or none of us ma’am,” Laura said. Coulson gave a sharp nod and led the way to the lab.

           

            “Oh excellent, you are all here,” Reed said as they entered. “I sent a message to the Coulson of young mr. Parkers world and he confirmed that they also had a case of mistaken identity. He is willing to bring his team to our world for the switch rather than vice versa, but insists on bringing back-up.”

            “That seems reasonable,” Peter said, turning wide eyes up on Coulson. Coulson sighed and rolled her eyes.

            “Very well, send them word that that is acceptable and establish a time to switch,” Reed nodded and Coulson turned to the rest of them, “and you all suit up - we have an interdimensional meeting to attend.”

 

            They all ended up moving to the Baxter Building; in part because Reed had all the equipment he needed there, and in part to give them a bit more privacy from the general SHIELD staff. Peter and the team were put in the living room - the rest of the FF were off on a field trip of some sort - while the actual contact was being made, so as not to overwhelm them.

            Peter was pretty sure it was because Reed didn’t want a fight breaking out in his lab, but whatever.

            So by the time something actually happened Peter was pretty on-edge. He wanted his body back, his team back, he just wanted to be sure everything was okay. He was crawling on the ceiling to burn off excess nerves when the door opened. He dropped back down.

            “Careful with that body - I spent a lot of money on it,” a familiar voice quipped. And then he was _looking at himself_ and it was weird. Piper had the mask on, but it was clearly his body - even if she was holding it wrong.

            “Piper?” Sarah asked, hovering in the air. Peter’s body nodded, and then noticed the rest of them.

            “Diana!” she exclaimed, running forward to give the girl a hug. A very elaborate, over-enthusiastic hug where she spun them around a few times laughing with relief. “I missed you.”

            “I missed you too,” Diana said quietly.

            “What are we, chopped liver?” Laura asked with a smirk, tilting her head to glance over the top of her sunglasses.

            “You’ve only been gone like a day Arachnerd, how much missing can you really build up?” Sarah asked. Piper tilted her head and put a hand on one of her hips and Peter could just tell she was rolling her eyes.

            “Fine Spark Plug, you don’t get a hug.”

            “Fine!”

            “Dang Parker, nice bod,” Sam called. At some point the team had come in behind Piper. Piper, Peter, and Diana turned as one to shoot him a dark glare and he held up his arms. “It was a compliment!”

            “Idiot,” Ava muttered.

            “That you, Webs?” Luke asked. Peter nodded.

            “In the wrong flesh!” He turned to Piper, “Hey, do you mind if I…?” She shook her head.

            “Nah, I was thinking the same thing,” Piper replied before reaching up to pull of the mask.

            “Weird,” Peter muttered as he finally got a good look at himself. “I need a haircut.”

            “Huh, my hair looks nice all braided and fancy.”

            “I believe I’ve told you that before,” Diana said lightly. Piper shot her a sappy smile and Peter shuddered.

            “Okay, I never want to see _that_ look on my face again,” he declared, walking over to his team. “Nice to see you guys.”

            “Good to see you’re in one piece,” Ava said, punching him lightly in the shoulder.

            “Hey now, borrowed body no damages,” Peter grumbled, rubbing at the shoulder.

            “So, is everyone female but Ava in this world, or…” Luke asked, casting a weird look at his female self who was regarding him similarly.

            “Well… not really,” Peter said. “Tony is though - I keep trying to picture him without the goatee but it doesn’t work.”

            “Dude! Coulson’s a chick!” Sam exclaimed as the Coulsons walked into the room as well. The male Coulson was followed by Hawkeye who failed spectacularly at not getting caught checking out the female Coulson.

            “You were right, Parker - guy Hawkeye _does_ have ridiculously nice arms,” Sarah said with a low whistle. Peter sighed as she continued. “Actually dude-Diana is ripped too. My guy self needs to work out more.”

            “Hey!” Sam exclaimed, indignant.

            “Wait, I’m a woman here?” Hawkeye clarified. He got a weird smirk on his face and he looked at the female Coulson, who shot him a glare.

            “Barton,” Coulson said with a drained sigh, rubbing at his forehead. “I knew I should have brought Natasha.”

            “Is Natasha a guy here?” Hawkeye asked, glancing around as if the Black Widow would walk out of the kitchen with a cake or something.

            “No - the Black Widow is female,” the female Coulson replied.

            “Hey, as fun as this is for everyone, could I have my body back now?” Peter asked.

            “Yes please!” added Piper.

            “Yes, come back into the lab, Spider-Woman and Spider-Man.” Reed said, neck stretching around the corner from the lab. Piper and Peter were the only two who didn’t flinch. Instead they walked out of the room.

 

            “Aaaaand she’s back,” Piper announced a few minutes later when they returned. She and Peter high-fived before she ran forward and grabbed Diana in another hug - interrupting her conversation with Adiel and Ava.  

            “So this is your dude self?” Sarah asked, flying over and circling him like a particularly annoying bird. “Not bad Parker.”

            “Freaking me out,” he said simply. “Freaking me out.”

            “If everyone is in working order, we are free to head out,” Coulson said, standing.

            “What?” Piper said. “But I haven’t even gotten to dispense my sage advice to change the world of my male doppelganger forever!” At everyone’s silence she shrugged. “That’s my role, right?”

            “How do you know if isn’t my role?” Peter asked. She raised an eyebrow at him.

            “Yeah, and I haven’t even convinced Phila here to show me a picture of female Stark!” Hawkeye protested from the corner.

            “My name isn’t Phila, Barton, it’s Fiona,” the female Coulson said with a long-suffering sigh.

            “Just one picture, I need it for blackmailing reasons,” Hawkeye pleaded.

            “No.”

            “Why not?”

            “Because I can,” she replied. Coulson checked his watch.

            “Fine. How about we go wheels up in half an hour - that good enough for you?”

            “Could the female me get here in half an hour?” Hawkeye asked, head tilted the tiniest bit. “Come on Phil, tell me you’re not intrigued.”

            “Half an hour,” Coulson repeated with a sigh.

            Peter glance around the room. Diana had returned to her conversation with Adiel and Ava - one arm slung over Piper’s shoulders as Piper leaned against her looking content. Laura and Luke were discussing something over near the Coulsons while Sam and Sarah chased one another through the air around the room.

            Danny wasn’t there.

            Peter glanced around, finally catching a flash of green moving in the doorway leading to the kitchen. After a moment of hesitation, he followed.  

            “Hey,” he said as Danny turned to him. Danny paused and then he smiled warmly.

            “Welcome back my friend,” he said.

            “How did you know it was me?” he asked, leaning against the counter.

            “You carry yourself differently for one thing,” Danny said. “But also dude, last we saw you were going in to switch back.”

            “That’s a good point,” Peter said. “Uh, anyway, Coulson says that we’re leaving soon - so if you wanted any last-minute bonding with your doppelganger, I guess now would be the time.”

            “Right,” Danny said.

            It was quiet.

            “She’s pretty cool,” Peter said. “Your female doppelganger I mean. She was really nice. Which makes sense because you’re really cool and nice.”

            “Peter, it’s okay,” Danny said, cutting him off.

            “What?” Peter said, his relief at stopping himself from talking only about as long as it took to register Dannys’ words.

            “Things do not have to be weird now,” Danny said.

            “Okay, cool. I hate when things are weird,” Peter said. “Yay for no awkwardness!”

            “Right,” Danny said again. “I suppose I should go and speak to my double.” He walked to the doorway.

            “Hey Danny,” Peter started. “Just… I mean, for the record…” his words failed him and Danny smiled.

            “I understand,” he said before leaving the kitchen.

            “I don’t think _I_ even understand,” he muttered.

            “Man you suck at this,” Piper said. Peter jumped and Piper hopped from the ceiling, landing smoothly on the island. “You shoulda just kissed him.”

            “Shut-up, Piper. I don’t even know if he’s into guys.”

            “Well Diana is bisexual,” Piper said. “It would be logical to assume that Danny’s into both too.”

            “Whatever,” Peter said. “You guys are just confusing is all - I never really thought about it _before_ so who says I’d continue to think about it in like a week?”

            “I say,” Piper said with a grin. “Remember how weirdly cool it felt to see her… uh, him in your costume during the Carnage fiasco?”

            “Shut-up,” Peter said, feeling himself flush.

            “Anyway, I didn’t come here to point out your romantic idiocy,” Piper said, sliding off the island. She was a few inches shorter than him, which was kind of weird. “I’m here to dispense some advice.”

            “What advice?” Peter asked, crossing his arms.

            “You should tell Harry you’re Spider-Man,” Piper said. Peter stared.

            “He… knows here?” he asked. Piper nodded.

            “I told him once I exiled Venom into space. It was… I should have done it earlier, _we_ should have done it earlier,” she said quietly, moving her gaze to her feet.

            “How did he react?” Peter asked.

            “He was pissed,” Piper replied with a small smile. “Super pissed, actually. He didn’t talk to me for like a week.”

            A week without his best friend did not seem like something Peter would smile about, to be honest.

            “But he got past it, he’s kept my secret and he… he gets it, you know? Once I told him about Uncle Ben and Doc Oc and his dad and stuff… he gets it. And that’s one less thing you need to stress about.”

            “I’ll think about it,” Peter said. Piper opened her mouth to protest, but he held up his hand to stop her. “I’ll think about it.”

            “Fine. Anyway, that’s about all I had to say on that. But, uh, even if you decide that Danny’s not the guy for you,” her tone implied that she would think he was an idiot, but Peter tried to ignore that, “you should come out to your team. They’re trustworthy and fantastic.”

            “Piper. I’m pretty sure you handled that on your own,” Peter said, rubbing his forehead. She shrugged and raised an eyebrow at him. “But stop lecturing me anyway, how did you get this much stuff figured out from my life in the day and a half you were over there?”

            “I woke up in your room, not on the Tricarrier,” she replied. “It didn’t take long to figure out what was going on, so I did some digging before Coulson - weird, by the way, to see him as a guy - contacted me and asked if I felt off.”

            “You life-snooped!” Peter exclaimed, indignant. Piper winced.

            “I just… I was kind of hoping Uncle Ben was alive,” she said quietly. Peter’s indignation faded. “It would have been nice to see him is all.”

            It was quiet.

            “So… what can you tell me about Cap and Iron Woman?” Peter asked. Piper grinned.

 

            “Home sweet home,” Luke said as the portal closed behind them.

            “I liked them,” Sam said. “We should visit other alternate realities.”

            “No,” Coulson said with a sigh. “No we should not.”

            “Hey, we’re in the Tricarrier instead of the Baxter Building,” Peter realized, glancing around. Ava nodded.

            “I don’t think they wanted us wandering around their headquarters,” she said.

            “Makes sense,” Peter said with a shrug. He looked around, “good to be back.”

            “Good to have you back,” Ava replied.

            “Hey Danny,” Peter said, walking over to him. Danny turned but before he could ask anything Peter had reached down and pulled him into a kiss. There was a terrifying moment where Peter became aware what he was doing, and then Danny started kissing back.

            In the background Ava was passing Luke a ten dollar bill and Sam may have had his camera out before Hawkeye swiped it.

            “I just wasn’t so sure you understood what I was trying to say,” Peter said as they separated. Danny grinned and opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by a familiar sound.

            They all turned to look at the machine they had just passed through, but it was silent.

            “At last! I have teleported directly onto the SHIELD base! Now I can… wait, who are you all?” The baddie said, tone switching from triumphant to anxious.

            “This seem like the guy that they fought over there?” Luke asked.

            “Matches descriptions,” Coulson agreed.

            “Alright team, let’s go!” Peter exclaimed, pulling his mask back on. “No one touch the teleportation remote.”

            “No!” The baddie cried out as they all leaped at him as one.

 

            Off to the side, Hawkeye turned to Coulson.            

            “So is this what you have to deal with every day Phil?” he asked with a small smirk. Coulson sighed.

            “Well the kissing it new,” he admitted.

            “Kids these days,” Hawkeye said with a fake sigh.

**Author's Note:**

> A little stupid fluff piece I had hovering around my brain for awhile. Longer works to follow when I have a bit more freetime, hope you liked it!


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